News report: Super Bowl LXXXV (April 2, 2051)

** Sports section: Wednesday, March 29, 2051 **

This Sunday marks the 85th Super Bowl, pitting the AFC Champion Miami Dolphins against the EFC Champion Madrid Caballeros. The game will be played in the fourth brand new Cowboy’s Stadium in Arlington, Texas (USA), which holds just over 225,000 seats. As always, a sellout is expected, and it should be a gala event.

The Dolphins advanced to the Super Bowl (their eleventh appearance in team history) by defeating the CFC Champion Toronto Argonauts, 32-17 in a March 18th semi-final. The Caballeros are making their first trip to the Super Bowl, after edging the NFC Champion Los Angeles Seahawks 27-24 in the other semi-final. The Dolphins are seven point favorites.

Here are some of the top story lines as we head into Sunday’s epic gridiron clash.

This is the first time that the Super Bowl will be played in April, which has been lauded with acclaim by the League despite a few murmurs of protest that the season "is just getting to be too long." The big game is being pushed into April as a result of the new, expanded, 12-week play-off format, which was agreed to back in 2045 when the Canadian Football Conference (CFC) and European Union Football Conference (EFC) joined the NFL. League officials noted that similar concerns were raised when the Super Bowl was first played in February (in 2002), and in March (in 2034). “Quite frankly,” quipped NFL Commissioner LeBron Remington, “our goal is to some day see the Super Bowl played in July or even August, with only a short break in-between seasons. Let’s face it, NFL football is the most important thing in America on Sundays, so why not give people what they want each and every Sunday of the year?”

In a related story, there has been some mild criticism over the fact that the Super Bowl is being played on Easter Sunday. In an interview last week, Commissioner Remington defended the league’s decision, even extending an olive branch to concerned persons of faith. He said, “Perhaps this is an area where the NFL could work in tandem with the religious community. After all, when you get right down to it, what is the real meaning of Easter anyway? Isn’t it that everyone is happy and that children get candy? These are core values that the NFL shares with people of faith. Maybe for the time being we could just join forces, seeing as we are so closely aligned in terms of seeking the best in personkind. We could call the combined holiday ‘Super Bowl Sunday,’ and everybody could take Monday off!”

The game will be broadcast live worldwide on all sixteen of ESPN’s extended family of round-the-clock sports networks. In addition, the University of California at Berkeley will beam the game into outer space. This is part of a $680 million project funded by the 2050 BESP (Bi-annual Economic Stimulus Package). Dr. Philip Rogers, chair of the Aeronautics and Space Department at Berkeley, noted that while the project will create no jobs, and that it is almost certain that no extraterrestrial life will see the Super Bowl, the project will allow the university to apply for increased funding in the 2052 BESP.

As always, the anticipation surrounding the Super Bowl commercials is just as great as the anticipation for the game itself. Of note, for the first time in seven years, this Sunday there will be a Super Bowl commercial with no nudity. The ad is for Hardee’s new Thickburger, cheese fries, and malt liquor combo meals. Hardee’s Vice President Lebron Williamson tried to downplay any controversy, saying, “There may be no nudity, but the ad does contain three sexual innuendos, so we are not departing from the mainstream too much. There’s certainly no need for Hardee’s to get Tebowed for airing some supposed ‘ultra-conservative’ commercial, or anything like that.”

As usual, the Pro-Bowl (the NFL’s annual all-star game) was played last Sunday (March 25th), a week prior to the Super Bowl. Many in the media jokingly dubbed this as “Palm Super Bowl Sunday,” an obvious reference to the game being played on Palm Sunday, but also because of the latest tradition of fans tossing NFL throwback uniforms onto the field for the players to step on as they emerge from the locker rooms. What was unusual about this year’s contest was that two Super Bowl players played in the Pro Bowl game. (Note: Ever since the Pro Bowl was moved to the week before the Super Bowl way back in 2010, most selectees from Super Bowl teams sit the game out, not wanting to risk injury.) The two players who participated are Dolphins outside linebacker Lebron Lee-Harrison and Caballeros wide receiver Chaz QuatroCincoSeis. When asked if his Pro Bowl appearance would make him too tired to play in the Super Bowl, QuatroCincoSeis pulled out a Sharpie pen and began to write illegible chicken scratch all over the reporter’s shirt. Then he pulled out a fifty dollar bill, ripped it in half, threw it in the air, and left the room, unleashing a stream of expletives on his way.

And finally, this year’s halftime concert is certain to be a classic. For the first time in almost twenty years, ‘N Sync will perform live together with their original lead singer, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake, who turned seventy earlier this year, jokes that there will be no “wardrobe malfunctions” during the show—a reference to his then-controversial halftime performance with the late Janet Jackson in 2004 (when Timberlake was twenty-three!). Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but there really was a time when that sort of thing was deemed controversial. Also, for obvious reasons, Timberlake vows to make no references to his rumored romantic relationship with his old friend, sixty-nine year old Britney Spears-Alexander-Federline-Johnson-James-O’Donnell-DiCaprio-Madonna-Beckham-Smith-QuatroCincoSeis.

Beware of the “resolutionaries”

Well, let me start out by wishing everyone a very Happy New Year. I hope the holidays went well for all. I am very excited about 2010. I think it is going to be a stellar year (I already have a few surprises in mind for the blog). In fact, 2010 has gotten off to a fast start, as I have already set two personal records.

First, as of 2:00 P.M. on January 2nd, all of my outside Christmas lights were taken down, labeled, boxed, and back in storage. (I always label them and write myself a little note to remind myself how I put them up and what I need to buy for next year. Come December, when I reopen the box, I am always appreciative of myself for doing so.) This shatters my previous mark by at least several days. As a bona fide procrastinator, my lights are usually still up by the first full weekend after the holidays, and at times until MLK weekend. Of course at some point I unplug them to avoid the unspoken embarrassment from within the neighborhood. Worse yet, I admit that there have been years when bundled up strands of lights have sat in my garage for a few months before I finally rolled them up and put them away. But this year was a different story.

Second, on Saturday, my boys and I went to the local high school football field to kick some field goals, and I connected from thirty-eight yards, a personal record. My previous best was thirty. I was pretty happy, especially given that I have never formally played as kicker or punter on a team. Nor have I ever played soccer. You know, on television, a thirty-eight yard field goal looks pretty easy. These college and pro kickers normally make these field goals with no problem. But standing out there on a field, it looks kind of far away. I’ll be shooting for forty the next time out. Anyway, I think you will agree that the only possible interpretation of this success is that it is a harbinger of good things to come and indicative that 2010 will be a great year.

I will share my New Year’s resolutions with you soon. In the meantime, I wish you the best in keeping your resolutions. I do recommend, however, that you stay away from the gym for a few days. As you are no doubt aware, the Monday after the holidays is the most crowded day of the year in the workout room. This day is to fitness centers what the Sunday after Thanksgiving is to the nation’s highways. If your New Year’s resolution is to lose weight and work out more often, I think that is great—I would just suggest you start tomorrow, or even next week. On this day several years ago, while I was in the locker room unable to find space to change into my workout clothes, a co-worker warned me to “beware of the resolutionaries.” “Resolutionaries” was his term for those who crowd the gym for a week or so after the holidays, then you never see them again. So, I likewise say to you, beware of the resolutionaries. And don’t be one.

Until next time.

How many sportscasters does it take to change a light bulb?

Okay, at the risk of beating a dead horse . . . I’ll share this, and then I’ll shut up about the subject for a good while. I promise. I just thought this was funny.

Every year our Sunday School class does an outing to the local Cinema Café to watch Monday Night Football on the big screen. It’s a lot of fun to get together, eat some food that is not-so-good for you, socialize, and yell for whichever team you want. But you have to get there early—the theater fills up quickly.

Well, since we got there early, I saw (off and on) about forty-five minutes of ESPN’s “Monday Night Countdown” (it runs for an hour and a half in all). I typically don’t watch Monday Night Football anymore, let alone the pre-game coverage. After a bit, what really caught my attention was that every time I looked at the big screen of the theater, there seemed to be a different group of commentators breaking down the big game for us. So I decided to count them.

First, there was the team at the ESPN studios in Connecticut. They gave us that perfect blend of technical minutiae and mindless trivia, from how Denver uses the split-nickel-blitz-zone-double-deep pass coverage, to how Pittsburgh’s Ben Roethlisberger chose his uniform number. They are:

1. Chris Berman
2. Tom Jackson
3. Mike Ditka
4. Keyshawn Johnson
5. Cris Carter (yes, he spells it “Cris”)

Then, coverage was handed off to another team, seated at a carefully constructed broadcast area somewhere on the floor of Invesco Field in Denver. I’m not sure how their purpose was any different from the guys in the studio. They are:

6. Stuart Scott
7. Matt Millen
8. Steve Young

From there, we were sent up to the broadcast booth for a few words of greeting, stage-setting, and brief analysis from the play-by-play announcers:

9. Mike Tirico
10. Ron Jaworski
11. Jon Gruden

Then it was back to the ESPN studios for more banter. Staying in the studio, Berman kicked us over to a pair of analysts. I couldn’t really tell, but it seemed they were either providing some further vital information that we all needed to know, or a human interest vignette.

12. Chris Mortensen
13. Some other guy

Then it was getting close to kick-off. So, it was only natural to check in with our beautiful sideline reporters for the game (one for each team), because, really, who wants to just look at a bunch of unattractive, hulky ex-football player dudes all night:

14. Suzy Kolber
15. Michelle Tafoya

Then finally back to the play-by-play guys for the kick-off.

That’s fifteen, count ‘em, fifteen people preparing us for a Monday Night Football game! That’s a lot more people than many of our presidents have hired to write their speeches—you know, those inconsequential orations like the State of the Union, executive orders, proclamations, and the like. That’s way more people than it took to get the first airplane to fly. That’s the same number as the seats on the United Nations Security Council.

Fifteen people are there to make sure I know that if Pittsburgh’s offense keeps driving the ball down the field and scoring like this, and if their defense keeps stopping Denver, then they stand a good chance of winning the game.

John Madden and the mysterious tag

Well, I got to wondering yesterday whether my memory was correct. So I went back and looked at some photos, and sure enough, John Madden used to wear a tag on his pants. I could never figure out why he did this. Was it some kind of press or locker room pass? But why would he need that? Was it a "cheat sheet" of the plays he wanted to run that day? Or was it some kind of identification tag, just in case he got lost? I just don't know. Other prominent coaches of the era such as Don Shula, Tom Landry, and Chuck Noll never wore them, as far as I could tell. Nevertheless, I'm sure with a little internet research, one could find the reason why Madden always had the tag.

Will there be any NFL football coverage on TV this weekend?

By now you have no doubt noticed that my blog entries are sometimes serious, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes silly, and sometimes a combination of the three. With that said . . .

When I was a boy, I loved watching NFL football games on Sunday afternoons. I can remember getting home from church at about 12:45, which was great because I could still catch the last fifteen minutes of the thirty minute pre-game show. This was back in the 70s—the crew at CBS was Brent Musburger, Irv Cross, former Miss America Phyllis George, and ol’ Jimmy the Greek making his predictions.

My, how times have changed. Back then, there was a thirty minute pre-game show. A half an hour, that was it. Then it was off to New York, Chicago, Green Bay, or wherever the 1:00 game was. As a quick aside, back then, John Madden was the slightly crazy head coach of the Oakland Raiders who always had a tag hanging from his clothing (does anyone remember that?). Now fast-forward thirty years. I think I can say with very little exaggeration that nowadays, NFL coverage is round-the-clock. With ESPN, ESPN2, ESPN News, Fox Sports, and an array of regional television networks, you can find coverage of your favorite team in the most excruciating detail. Oh, I almost forgot—a few years ago the NFL Network was launched, a cable channel devoted exclusively to the league. Am I the only one who thinks our country is getting a little carried away with all this?

When I say “excruciating detail,” I mean exactly that. Just a few weeks ago, I overheard an ESPN analysis of an upcoming game. While the commentator delved into the specifics, the video froze, one player was highlighted, then, like something out of “The Matrix,” the field spun around so we could see the play from another vantage point. Then the commentator said, “The Bengals’ linebacker has got to shoot that gap to get to the Steelers’ quarterback. That is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING!” Really? I was always taught that THE MOST IMPORTANT THING was that every human being is going to spend eternity in one of two places based on how they respond to the gospel of Jesus Christ. I guess I didn’t get the memo that that changed.

There are many other examples. Studio announcers walking over to a mock-up of a football field and walking us through certain plays. Literally weeks of coverage on the NFL draft every spring. And what about our national celebration of the Super Bowl each year? It seems to have eclipsed Easter and maybe even the Fourth of July in terms of the attention paid to it.

But it even goes beyond coverage of the actual games. Just the other week I heard a stat that “The Dallas Cowboys are 1 and 6 against the spread on the road since last November.” Who cares? I guess if I were a gambler I would care, but regardless, this really has nothing to do with the game itself. Or, how about ESPN’s seven minute segment updating Fantasy Football, where we hear gems like “The Detroit Lions lead the league in giving up fantasy points to opposing offensive players.” Fantasy points? Okay, at this point things are starting to get a little weird. I don’t really understand where Fantasy Football came from, or why there is a need for it. We already have actual football. In fact, let me be blunt—if you are fantasizing about football, maybe you ought to take your wife or girlfriend out on a date next Friday night.

Now, I am certainly not against entertainment. I cheer for my favorite sports teams. I drop some money twice a year to go see my alma mater play a football and basketball game. I watch NFL football. I take my family to Disney World, etc. etc. And, I don’t begrudge anybody else for indulging in some well-earned entertainment, relaxation, vacations, etc. But is it possible that sports and entertainment have taken a grossly disproportionate place of prominence in our society? Is it possible that six or seven 24/7 sports channels is just a tad bit of overkill?

You know what crosses my mind every once in a while? Call me morbid, but somewhere, in a very remote cave in the far reaches of the Pakistan-Afghanistan border, there are a group of young men who don’t dress fancy, and don’t eat a lot. But they are extremely smart and well-educated. Some of them are fluent in several languages. They spend their time not watching ESPN or catching up on fantasy stats, but on devising ways of obliterating places like New York City, Washington D.C., Philadelphia, and Dallas (which are, incidentally, the four cities that have teams in the NFC East division).

I am very grateful for the courageous men and women who are out on the front lines right now defending our freedom, and trying to stop those who want to destroy our cities and kill us and our children. And I know that many Americans are concerned and doing their part in a myriad of ways. I just sometimes fear that, as a whole, we (Americans, including myself) overdose on entertainment, sports, vacations, etc., instead of focusing more resolutely on more serious matters—like what THE MOST IMPORTANT THING really is.