Have you ever had someone take a pillowcase, fill it with a few bricks, swing it around, and smack you in the head with it? I haven’t. But when God began to lay these things on my heart, I felt as though I had.
I was besieged with all sorts of reminders of what my attitude had been like over the last few years. I had been extremely selfish. I wanted a baby. I wanted one now. And I wasn’t going to be happy about anything until I got what I wanted. What’s more, I realized how arrogant it was of me to think that the initial doctors were somehow wrong, and that I needed only to find a better, smarter doctor to tell me the “truth” about Matthew’s condition. I didn’t even think to pray about the situation—this after I had chuckled at my older son Chad for praying that Matthew would be born on his birthday.
So I made a decision. Knowing full well that I would mess up (daily), that I would never be able to stop all the sin in my life, and that I could only keep my word imperfectly, I told God that I would believe what He told me. Not just “believe,” but BELIEVE. I would do my best to live out Hebrews 11:1 in this situation. I would have FAITH. I wasn’t even totally sure what God meant by “Your son will be okay.” Maybe that he would be fully healed. Maybe that the brain damage would not be too bad. Maybe that it would be significant, but we would be able to handle it and that the whole ordeal would serve some greater purpose. Regardless, I decided to live my life with the certainty that what God told me was true.
As I mentioned previously, one of the early worries was that Matthew’s head was not growing. A lack of growth could indicate that his brain was not growing properly, which would result in a permanent state of being physically and mentally handicapped. As you have no doubt noticed, as I relate these events, some memories are still fairly clear in my mind, while others are quite fuzzy. But in this instance, I have a very vivid recollection of one of the first times that we measured Matthew’s head after we brought him home from the hospital. I can remember that as I watched Barbara lean over with the measuring tape, I was really, really nervous. But the circumference of his head had grown one centimeter! I prayed, “Thank you, Lord, that Matthew’s head grew one centimeter, and please let my faith in you be the evidence of what I can’t see.”
Another key milestone was an MRI that was scheduled at the three-month mark to check for any brain damage. I began to pray, and circled August 15th on my desk calendar at work. Then I circled it again. I think I circled it so much that I almost bore a hole in my desk. Much to my amazement and joy, the MRI came back showing no damage. Again, “Thank you, God. Help me to live out Hebrews 11:1.”
Over the first year of Matthew’s life, he had frequent check-ups to test for growth, motor skills, and overall development. But visit after visit, the news was always good. Finally, when Matthew was about nine months old, the neurologist told us that he did not need to see Matthew anymore. Matthew was by all accounts a normal baby with no signs of any brain damage.
The icing on the cake for me, though, was the day in July, 2002, when Matthew took his first steps. I can remember being overwhelmed with a rush of emotions. The previous year, I wasn’t sure if Matthew would ever be able to stand up, let alone walk. Yet here he was. I believe that I had seen a miracle happen before my eyes. This was one of those times when I went upstairs, closed the bedroom door behind me, fell to my knees, and burst out in tears. “Thank you, Lord, for healing my son. And thank you for beginning to teach me what it means to walk in faith.”
Well, I’ve got a few more episodes to go in my story, but I wanted to take a brief time-out and share a few photos from our experience. The first one is of Matthew during his second of two EEGs at the hospital. This picture was taken on May 31st, 2001. We have several photos of Matthew with all sorts of tubes and wires connected to him. This was the case with many of the babies that were in the neo-natal intensive care unit (NICU). Over time, seeing Matthew with all of that apparatus really made me realize that there were potential problems.
But the second picture is particularly peculiar, I think. As you have read, a lot of bizarre stuff was going on in my life during those stressful days of May and June of 2001. Although tangential to the main story, this second photo is an example of another weird occurrence. As the photo shows, on a few occasions, Matthew turned half-red and half-white! Whoa! Let me tell you, when you see your infant child half one color and half another, split right down the middle, you get kind of freaked out! This is a somewhat rare phenomenon called Harlequin Syndrome, where the nervous system somehow misfires and causes one side of the body to become flush. After the first few times, it never happened again. But with everything else that was on our minds, you can imagine how strange it was to see this. I thought that perhaps Matthew had some special powers. Hey, maybe we should have named him Jack-Jack! (Quick, name that movie—first correct answer wins a special prize!)
There are certain things in life that, when they happen, you can never go back. That is, you can’t go back to the way things were before. It was only over the course of time that I could process what had happened to me in 2000 and 2001. As I did, two very important questions came to my mind. And as I’ve said before, the answers to these questions have caused me to think differently about almost everything in life.
The first question is: Why me? That is, why was God so good to me by giving me a second child, and healing him from what multiple doctors said would be at least some level of brain damage? I know couples that have tried and tried for years, yet are not able to have any children, let alone two. I know couples that have a physically or mentally handicapped child. Matthew has no handicap. And, I know couples that have had the terrible experience of the death of a child. These are all people that I know personally. What had I done to deserve a beautiful, healthy son? All I had given to God was an attitude of selfishness and arrogance. I came to realize that I deserved none of the good things that God had given me in this situation. None.
Over the years, this realization has caused me to contemplate two words a great deal: grace and thanksgiving. Grace is when God gives us something that we don’t deserve. Thanksgiving means having a deep sense of gratitude. I can say that this experience has given me an appreciation that I did not previously have about God’s grace—particularly the gracious gift of His Son, Jesus Christ—as well as a determination to be thankful for every last thing that I have, no matter how seemingly insignificant.
The second very important question is this: Now that this circumstance had passed, what should I do about Hebrews 11:1? Is this verse, teamed with other things that the Bible teaches about faith, meant to be taken off the shelf, dusted off, and used only during those rough patches in life? Or is something more involved? Is faith as described in Hebrews 11:1 something that should be applied to every area of my life? It did not take long for me to realize that if the latter was the case, it could have enormous implications. I mean, if I really believe that God is who He says He is, and that His Word is true, then total trust in Him might lead to some very uncomfortable questions: Should I sell my house and move? What career should I pursue? How much or little money should I make (and does that even matter)? What if I sense God telling me to make a major life change, and I can’t see how I can do it?
Now, in case you were wondering, I went into this experience as a sinner, and I came out of it a sinner. So if I’ve given anyone the impression that I am now perfect, I am sorry. That is far, far from the case. What I can say is, that over time, I have grown to the conviction that Hebrews 11:1 is not simply my magic genie in a bottle that I can call upon to get me out of a jam. My goal in life is to make Hebrews 11:1 my lifestyle, that I would have faith—real faith—in God in every matter in life, no matter how big or small. And I continue to pray that my faith in God be the evidence of what I can’t see.
Starting in 2002, things started to happen in my life that put this principle to the test, so to speak. It would take several more episodes of “my story” to recount them all in detail. But rather than do that, I will wrap up my story with one more episode, in which I will talk about three specific things that have transpired in my life since 2002. I think, and hope, that by describing these three particular circumstances, you will get a taste for how God has picked me up as I was walking in one direction, and placed me on a different path—a path that is indescribably exciting, even though I can’t see how it is all going to work out.
Oh, no. I made a big-time rookie blogger mistake. I announced in advance that I would give one more episode of my story. I didn’t realize that it will really take a couple of more entries to get you up to speed on where my life is right now. So please forgive me, and I am so thankful for your indulgence, and for the kind comments that I have received from you so far. I shall continue now.
Back in 2000, if you had asked me where I was heading—where I saw myself in ten years—I would not have been able to give a very clear answer. My career in the Navy was promising, and I liked the idea of serving my country. So, I guess I would have said that I would stay in the Navy, see the world, get promoted as high as possible, and then retire from active duty in my mid-forties. Beyond that, I had no real ambition, no real clue as to what I wanted to do—no real passion.
But in 2002 and 2003, in the first few years after Matthew’s birth, three things occurred in my life that changed this outlook dramatically.
The first was my job. Do you remember that when we got pregnant with Matthew back in 2000, we did not move to England, but rather, I was assigned to a job in Virginia Beach? Well, even though I enjoyed that new assignment, it was not considered particularly “career enhancing.” In 2002, I experienced something I never thought I would—I failed to promote to the rank of Commander. Now, within the culture of the Navy, this was a significant blow. It was humiliating, embarrassing, and left me very lonely at work. For months, I felt as though I needed to yell out, “Unclean! Unclean!” before entering someone’s office. Seriously, within my community in the Navy, a “failure to promote” often leaves one ostracized, and is the kiss of death for one’s career progression.
Again, though, God was very gracious to me, and I did eventually make the promotion two years later. But by that point, I knew that I would be riding out the remainder of a twenty-year Navy career, and that I would be entering a new phase in life. This caused me to think long and hard about what I was going to do with the rest of my life. What career should I pursue after my days in the Navy were over? And, did Hebrews 11:1 have anything to do with all this?
On the one hand, I thought, I could probably slide out of the Navy, get a good job in the defense sector, make good money, and live comfortably for the rest of my life. But over time, a question kept coming to my mind: That’s all well and good, but, what is my passion? I was, and am, very happy to have served my country in the Navy, but I can’t say that it was my passion, the thing that I was “born to do.” Was there something out there that I loved so much that I just had to do it for the rest of my life?
So, as I watched my Navy career begin to fizzle, I also came to the depressing realization that I had no real passion for what I wanted to do in life. I remember a brief phase when I daydreamed about becoming “independently wealthy” enough to quit all work by my mid-50s, and just do nothing for the rest of my life. I had no passion.
This was one of those points where I began to replay the whole experience of Matthew’s birth in my mind. God had done amazing things. He really is there. I really can have faith in him. So, this was a time when I put Hebrews 11:1 to the test. I started to pray that God would help me to see what I should do with my life, what career I should pursue. And I prayed that I would be able to accept it and do what God wanted. What happened next surprised me as much as anything else in this whole saga.
As I struggled with the sharp downturn in my naval career in 2002 and 2003, a second thing began to happen that really changed my life. I didn’t realize it at first, though. In the fall of 2002, I was asked to teach a newly formed adult Sunday School class at my church.
I had taught Sunday School at various age levels for various periods of time over the years—high school, junior high, young married couples, and pre-school. In fact, before turning to this new task, I had been “teaching” (babysitting) in the one-year old class, so Matthew was one of my “students.” As you might suspect, there was not a lot of deep theological discussion in that class. Anyway, when I agreed to teach the new adult class, I figured it would be just another gig that I would do at the church, perhaps for a year or two.
The new class began with about a dozen people and over the first year grew to about thirty or so. I had not taught adults in a while, so I decided to make up some note sheets for the students every week, kind of just to keep us on track. Powerpoint worked well for that purpose. I studied the lesson hard each week because I figured that adults were apt to ask a lot of difficult questions and I wanted to be prepared.
What happened, though, in 2003, 2004, and beyond, is hard to describe. Nothing like it had ever happened to me before. Over time, as I continued to teach the class, I found myself getting more and more enthusiastic about studying the Bible. I had always been interested in the Bible, obviously because it is the basis for my Christian beliefs, and also because I have always been kind of a history buff. But this was something entirely different. I found myself putting more and more time into preparing my lesson every week. I found myself hunting down more and more reliable commentaries to help me understand the Scriptures. I found myself daydreaming throughout the week about an upcoming lesson, or passage, or some example that I could use from pop culture or the daily headlines. I found myself wanting to teach the Bible better and better every week. I don’t really know how else to describe it, except that studying and teaching the Bible became an absolute passion. In fact, by about 2004 or so, I considered it to be my favorite thing to do, aside from family.
What amazes me is this. Before, when I felt no passion in my life, I did not even know what it would feel like to have a passion about something. I firmly believe that God has given me a passion, that is, teaching biblical studies. And let me tell you, to feel a passion about doing something is so thrilling as to be almost indescribable. I absolutely love studying and teaching the Bible.
This inevitably led to a new question. How was all this piecing together? I knew that God was not calling me to be a professional Sunday School teacher, because there is no such thing. By about 2005, though, I believe that God began to put another thought in my head. I started thinking about going to seminary. Seminary? I was almost forty years old, with a job, wife, two kids, and active in church. Where exactly was I going to find the time for seminary? And, what exactly was I going to do with a seminary degree once I got it?
Well, it was also during this time when another realization came to light. This realization was the third circumstance that I want to discuss. It happened concurrently with the discovery of my passion, and really rounds out the story of how I got to where I am today.
I was commissioned an officer in the United States Navy when I graduated from college. My initial commitment was four years, though I decided to stay in longer. As the years went by and I continued my service, I often joked that someday I would leave the Navy and figure out “what I wanted to do when I grew up.”
In and around 2004 and 2005, that reality started to become a lot clearer to me. By that time, I knew my Navy career would come to an end after 20 years of service (2008), and I also felt this passion growing in me to study and teach the Bible. The third ingredient in this mix was kind of a reminder from God. He started to rekindle in me a long-dormant desire.
Had you asked me back in high school what I wanted to be when I grew up, one of my top answers would have been to be a teacher. At the time, I remember wanting to be a Math teacher. I always thought that being a college professor would be cool. Then, when I was in college, my interests changed somewhat, and I wanted to be a history professor. This dream stayed with me long enough for me to pursue a Masters degree in history in the early 90s. But after that, for some reason, my dream of being a teacher kind of fizzled.
Then, about three or four years ago, the desire started to come back, and I started to give some serious thought to pursuing a career in teaching biblical studies. Well, to make a long story short, this is exactly what I am doing. In the fall of 2006, I enrolled in seminary, and I am currently half way through a Masters of Divinity program. After that, I intend to get my Ph.D., with the eventual goal of teaching biblical studies in some capacity at a seminary, college, or university.
So as I continue on this journey, there are a number of observations I’d like to make.
First, at times it is very daunting. I am in the middle of a prolonged career transition at one of the busiest times in my life. There are times when I wonder if I’ll ever make it all the way through this transition. And when I do, I’ll be pretty close to 50. If I were not absolutely sure that God was calling me to do this, I probably would already have quit.
Second, it is one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done. I have loved every class that I have taken, and have felt nothing but confirmation that, though difficult at times, I am heading in the right direction. I can honestly say that my passion for what I am doing has not waned a bit.
Third, there are a lot of unanswered questions in my life. Where will I go to get my doctorate? Missouri? Wisconsin? Alaska? Europe? I don’t know. And how exactly will I feed my family, pay for my children’s college, etc., through all this? At some point I will cut the ties with full-time work and become a full-time student, perhaps for three or four years. Thoughts like these can be a little scary at times.
So, on the one hand, I am very certain about what God has called me to do with my life. He has given me a passion, and is providing me the opportunity to pursue it. But on the other hand, I am experiencing a great deal of uncertainty about the specifics of my future and that of my family.
What can I do but hearken back to the events that started all of this? God picked me up as I was walking in one direction and put me down to walk in another. He gave me gifts that I did not deserve, and graciously healed my son. And as I think back to all that has been, and all that is to come, one thought permeates my mind: Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.” Lord, please let my faith in you be the evidence of what I can’t see.
