The return of Stupid Song Lyrics

Well, it has been a few months since I have forayed into the realm of the bizarre and sometimes illogical world of pop song lyrics. So today I continue the second-Wednesday-of-the-month tradition with three song lyrics that have oft left me vexed and perplexed.

1. “Mama always told me not to look into the eyes of the sun” -- You remember this line from the 70s hit “Blinded by the Light,” don’t you? (sung by Manfred Mann’s Earth Band, written by Bruce Springsteen).

Since when does the sun have eyes? Hurricanes have eyes. Needles have eyes. The sun has earth-sized flames of molten heat measuring to about a million degrees Fahrenheit. This song is the only place that I have ever heard of the sun having eyes, and since neither the performers nor the songwriter are scientists, I am left skeptical. The other thing about this lyric that makes me chuckle is the folksy appeal to motherly advice . . . “Mama always said to brush your teeth before you go to bed, pack an extra pair of underwear, never kiss on the first date, life is like a box of chocolates, and, oh yeah, NEVER, EVER look into the ‘eyes’ of the sun.”


2. Speaking of chuckling, how about Steve Miller’s “Abracadabra” from the early 80s? “Abra-abra-cadabra, I wanna reach out and grab ya.”

“I wanna reach out and grab ya”??? In the infamous words of John McEnroe, “You can’t be serious!” I can picture Steve Miller being stymied for weeks, asking everyone he knew, “Hey, what rhymes with Abracadabra?” Finally, it dawns on him . . . “-dabra . . . grab ya . . . yeah, it just might work!”


3. “Girls become lovers who turn into mothers, so mothers be good to your daughters, too.” -- John Mayer, “Daughters” (2005)

Yeah, yeah, I know. This is a heartfelt song about a young man who realizes that his girlfriend’s emotional distance is not his fault, but rather a result of the lack of love and even maltreatment from her parents, particularly her father. Fathers and mothers must be good to their daughters. I get it. But, whenever I hear this particular line, I envision the following scene. A mother and her six-year old daughter are at the kitchen table, as mom helps li’l schnookems with her homework:

“Mommy, I love you so much. You are just sooooo good to me.”

“Oh, thank you. I love you sooooo much too, darling. But do you know why I am sooooo good to you?”

“Well, I think it’s on account a that you have an instinctual maternal bond with me that desires to provide for me and protect me and because I have intrinsic worth and human value as a child created in the image of God and on account a that you take seriously your God-ordained role to bring me up in the training and admonition of the Lord.”

“No, sweety, don’t be silly. It’s because some day you are going to be somebody’s lover. And soon after that, you will turn into a mother. That’s why all mothers should be good to their daughters.”

[Pause.]

“Mommy?”

“Yes, sweety?”

“Can I go outside and play now?”

Stupid song lyrics: Rogue theology in pop music

Whereas, it is the second Wednesday of the month, AND,

Whereas, I have listened to a lot of music in my life, AND,

Being that I now write a blog,

BE IT RESOLVED THAT,

On this Twelfth day of May, Two Thousand Ten,

I will now give you another installment of STUPID SONG LYRICS.

1. On the drive home from work a few weeks ago, I heard a countdown of the top five songs from April, 1985. Of course you remember the monster hit “We Are the World,” written by Michael Jackson and Lionel Richie, and performed by a host of well-known American singers (and I use that term loosely with regard to Bob Dylan and Bruce Springsteen). Here is a verse from the song:

Send them your heart,
So they'll know that someone cares,
And their lives will be stronger and free.
As God has shown us, by turning stone to bread,
So we all must lend a helping hand.

As I heard this, I thought, “Whoa, hold on. When exactly did God turn stone to bread?” I remember that in Moses’ day, God caused a stone to produce water for the Israelites in the desert. And later, in the New Testament, when Jesus was being tempted in the wilderness, Satan challenged Him to turn a stone into bread, but Jesus refused (Matthew 4:3-4). But unless I am sadly mistaken, there is no biblical account of God turning stone to bread. Of course, to be fair, Jackson and Richie don’t claim that God showed us this in the Bible. Perhaps this event happened in the Himalayan Mountains in the 14th century, and has been revealed only to the song’s writers. But I doubt it.

Anyway, this episode got me to thinking of other unbiblical, theologically deviant, or erstwhile unholy verbiage that has made its way into popular music. Such as . . .


2. In 1991, Sting scored a hit with “All This Time,” a catchy tune with the following lines:

Blessed are the poor, for they shall inherit the earth,
Better to be poor than a fat man in the eye of a needle.

Sting, Sting, Sting. First of all, it’s the meek who shall inherit the earth, not the poor (see Matthew 5:5). Regarding the poor (or “poor in spirit”), “theirs will be the Kingdom of Heaven” (Matthew 5:3, Luke 6:20). What I find disappointing about Sting’s Beatitudinal confusion is that several years before this, while with the Police, he performed a song called “Walking in Your Footsteps” (the album was Synchronicity, released in 1983), in which he got it right when he sang, “They say the meek shall inherit the earth.” Just goes to show you, you gotta keep up with studying the Bible and learning good theology or you’ll forget it.

Second, Matthew 19:24 says that it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter heaven. Just my opinion, but I think it would be better to say “Better to be poor than a rich man in the eye of a needle,” but perhaps I’m splitting camel’s hairs.


3. Billy Joel’s River of Dreams:

I don’t know about a life after this,
God knows I’ve never been a spiritual man.
Baptized by fire, I wade
into the river that is running through the promised land.

You’ve never been a spiritual man? Not exactly a news flash. We all sort of knew that after “Only the Good Die Young” came out back in 1977. All I’ll say here is, if you’re aware that a river is running through the promised land, why would you be wading and not swimming with all your might to get there?


4. In the 80s, the Philadelphia-based band The Hooters scored a hit with the song “All You Zombies,” which said,

Only Noah saw it coming,
Forty days and forty nights.
Took his sons and daughters with him,
Yeah, they were the Israelites.

Well, to be exact, Noah took three sons (Shem, Ham, and Japheth) and three daughters-in-law on the ark with him (along with his own wife, for a total of eight human passengers), but that is a minor lyrical quibble. More to the point, his sons and daughters-in-law were not Israelites, because the nation of Israel was not founded for at least a few hundred years after the flood. However, it would be accurate to say that Noah and his sons were the direct ancestors of the Israelites, since Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob (Israel) came from the direct line of Noah. I’m sure, like me, you often find yourself hashing through Old Testament history while listening to the radio on the way to work . . . What? You don’t?


5. Finally, most people have heard the Byrd’s hit from 1966, “Turn! Turn! Turn!” It is a near verbatim recitation of Ecclesiastes 3, “to everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven.” That is, until the last line of the song, which states,

A time for love, a time for hate,
A time for peace, I swear it’s not too late.

This last line is not in Ecclesiastes. Earlier in the song, they sing about “a time for war,” “a time to gather stones,” and “a time to kill,” which all appear in the biblical passage. The last sentence is in line with the prevailing sentiment in popular culture of the 60s emphasizing peace, protest against the Vietnam War and war in general, etc. I’m not saying this line is bad or wrong in and of itself. It’s just not in the Bible, and that can be confusing given that the rest of the song is. Lyrics like this remind me to be careful—what may sound biblical, true, or theologically correct in popular music sometimes is not.

Stupid song lyrics: oldies and standards

Well, if it isn’t the second Wednesday of the month again. Time for another episode of “Stupid song lyrics.”

If you thought that stupid song lyrics are a recent phenomenon, I would gently urge you to think again. They have been around for quite a while. In this installment I present some of my favorite clunkers from yesteryear. Enjoy.

1. From the classic “I Believe”: I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows.

I, on the other hand, see no such one-to-one correspondence. In fact, my guess is that there are far, far more drops of rain than there are flowers in the world. There are, to be sure, millions and perhaps billions of flowers on our planet. I do not doubt that. But think for a minute about the last time it poured at your house. How many drops of rain do you think fell in your back yard in an hour during that heavy rainstorm? Bottom line: I think it’s no contest, the raindrops win, hands-down.

2. In 1968, The Turtles sang “Elenore, gee I think you’re swell, and you really do me well, you’re my pride and joy, et cetera.”

It’s as if they are saying, “Yes, there are several more things that we could say about Elenore—nice things in fact—but frankly, we’re too lazy to expound any more on the topic.” Truth be known, I have actually given thought to incorporating this into my own daily conversation, but I don’t think it would be appreciated. But it sure would make things simpler (for me, anyway). “Boss, I finished the reports, took notes at the meeting, et cetera . . . I’m taking the rest of the week off.”

3. Do you remember “Incense and Peppermints” by the one-hit wonder band Strawberry Alarm Clock? One line of the song states, “Incense and peppermints, meaningless nouns.”

First of all, if they are meaningless, then how could you possibly identify them as nouns? It’s kind of impossible, isn’t it? Second, and I hate to crash the whole ‘60s vibe of “there’s no true meaning because there are no absolutes” by pointing to some authoritative document, but, according to Webster’s, incense means “the perfume or smoke from some spices and gums when burned” and peppermint means “a pungent aromatic mint, also, candy flavored with its oil.” Meaningful, indeed.

4. Early-‘60s rocker Dion mellowed out a bit in 1968, providing the penetrating, socially-conscious hit “Abraham, Martin, and John.” The song tells of the contributions to freedom made by the American icons Abraham Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr., and John F. Kennedy. Here is how the song starts:

Has anybody here seen my old friend Abraham?
Can you tell me where he’s gone?
He freed a lot of people, but it seems the good, they die young,
I just looked around, and he’s gone.

Okay, I think I can handle this one. You see, Dion, the reason nobody has seen your old friend Abraham Lincoln is because nobody alive in 1968 had ever seen Abraham Lincoln—HE WAS ASSASSINATED ONE HUNDRED AND THREE YEARS BEFORE YOU RECORDED THIS SONG! I’m guessing you were absent that day in history class. These lyrics make it seem like Dion and Abraham were at a party together when Dion stepped aside to get a drink, and when he got back, he looked around and Abe was gone! Sometimes I think Dion would get a real kick out of hearing about the fishing trip I once took with King Henry VIII, Millard Fillmore, and Sacagawea.

Stupid song lyrics . . . “Almost Stupid, Vol. 1”

For those who may be new to reading my blog, I do a special segment on the second Wednesday of the month called “Stupid Song Lyrics.” For previous episodes, click on “Stupid Song Lyrics” on the label cloud on the right column.

This month I focus on lyrics that I place in the category of “almost stupid.” Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t. But if they are not, they are pretty close. As always, enjoy.

1. John Denver, Sunshine on My Shoulders: “Sunshine almost always makes me high.”

My compliments to the late John Denver for not painting himself into a corner. For, if he had not inserted that all-important caveat “almost,” we might be led to think that any time the sun was shining, Denver was “high.” This could lead to obvious misunderstandings as well as possible criminal trouble. But he has cleverly given himself an “out.” I picture the following situation . . . “No officer, sunshine almost always makes me high. I’m fine now, I swear.”

2. Bruce Springsteen, Glory Days:

Saw him the other night at this roadside bar,
I was walking in, he was walking out.
We went back inside, sat down, had a few drinks,
But all he kept talking about was . . . Glory Days.

Whoa, hold on a second. There’s a logical disconnect here. If you were walking in, and he was walking out, then you both couldn’t have gone “back inside,” because you had not been inside in the first place. Unless, unmentioned in the lyrics, you went inside initially, remembered that you needed something out of your car, went out to get it, and on your way back in met your old friend. Then you both could legitimately be said to be going “back inside.” I hope this helps clear things up.

3. The Police, Don’t Stand So Close to Me:

It’s no use, he sees her, he starts to shake and cough,
Just like the, old man in, that book by Nabokov.

You’ve all read that book by Nabokov, right? I haven’t, and given the subject matter, I’m not sure I'd recommend it. Regardless, I’m guessing that this literary reference goes right over the heads of most victims of American public school education.

It’s no use, I’m stupid, I just say, “What the heck?”
Just like that, dumb guy in, that book by John Steinbeck.

4. At the end of James Taylor’s “How Sweet It Is (To Be Loved by You),” Taylor repeats the title line several times, and he throws in some heartfelt statements each time. One of them is:

How sweet it is to be loved by you . . . just like honey to the bee, babe.

This line raises a very significant question in my mind. That is, do bees eat honey, or do they just make honey? I always thought that bees only make honey, they don’t eat it. People eat honey, and it is very sweet. Therefore, shouldn’t the line be: “just like honey to the human, babe?” In other words, the sweetness of your love for me is like the sweetness of honey that I taste (and that the bee manufactures). The next time you hear this song on the way to work and find yourself singing along, try my “honey to the human” line and see what you think. Actually, I’m going to defer to my sister on this question because she is a bee keeper. Do bees eat honey, or do they just make honey? Regardless, I think Taylor could have done a better job of avoiding such ambiguity at the end of one of my favorite songs of his.

Stupid song lyrics – The Call to Boogie

Is it the second Wednesday of the month already? Time flies! Well, time for another episode of “stupid song lyrics.”

Recently, while driving home from work, I heard the 70s disco hit “Boogie Oogie Oogie” by A Taste of Honey. You remember it, don’t you? It was a #1 hit back in 1978. Usually when I hear a disco tune while surfing the radio stations, I continue moving right along. But on this occasion I thought for a moment about the song title, realized it sounded silly, and decided to hear it out. Below are my observations. But first, here are the initial lyrics of the song:

If you're thinkin' you're too cool to boogie,
Boy oh boy have I got news for you.
Everybody here tonight must boogie.
Let me tell ya', you are no exception to the rule.

Get on up, on the floor,
Cuz we're gonna boogie oogie oogie
‘Til you just can't boogie no more.

Let me start by saying, I love these lyrics. I think they are a riot. Let’s examine a few key points, shall we?

First of all, if any of you out there think that you are too cool to boogie, I’d say, well, just who do you think you are? Because, as the song suggests, nobody is too cool to boogie. Nobody. There are no exceptions to the rule. So you might as well drop that smug, holier-than-thou attitude about boogieing. I’m not kidding. It doesn’t matter if you are the richest man alive or the poorest pauper in the city gutter, nobody is exempt. Nobody is above boogieing. If you think you are, you’d better think again.

Second, there is an urgent imperative here. “Everybody here tonight must boogie.” A lot of people miss this point. If a person is present (“here tonight”), and hears the invitation (to boogie), then he or she is responsible to respond. They must boogie. And I’m going to make the bold claim that, by extension, this song invites all of us to obedience in the area of boogieing. We might think that we can hear this song, and then ignore the clarion call to boogie. But if you’ve heard these lyrics, you are accountable to respond appropriately. You can’t really continue to trudge through life thinking that you have a choice in the matter. You must boogie!

And third, once you have humbled yourself and understood you are not too cool to boogie, and after you’ve made the commitment to follow the mandate to boogie, you can’t just do it in a half-hearted fashion. You have to “boogie oogie oogie ‘til you just can’t boogie no more.” It’s as if the mere term “boogie” is not enough to express the strength, endurance, and intensity involved. You can’t just “boogie,” you’ve got to “boogie oogie oogie”—that is, boogie to the point where your physical, mental, and emotional capacities are absolutely spent. You can’t boogie on your own terms. You’ve got to go all out.

I know, I know. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “But Dave, have you considered the sheer exhaustion and anguish you would feel if you boogie oogie oogied ‘til you literally could not boogie no more? Certainly they ask too much!” Well, allow me to offer some advice, and this is from personal boogie experience. Don’t be overwhelmed. Don’t think you have to “boogie oogie oogie ‘til you just can’t boogie no more” the very first time out of the gate. Ease into it. Build your stamina. Like many things in life, it takes time. It may seem daunting, I admit. But with perseverance you can do it. You may not believe it now, but before long, I think you’ll surprise yourself. You really will be boogie oogie oogieing until you just can’t boogie no more.

Stupid Song Lyrics – Christmas edition

Once again, we have arrived at the second Wednesday of the month, which can only mean it is time for another episode of Stupid Song Lyrics. In honor of the Christmas season, I thought it appropriate to delve into some of the more questionable lyrics from some of our holiday favorites. So, without any further ado . . .

1. “I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas Day, on Christmas Day. I saw three ships come sailing in, on Christmas Day in the morning.” Subsequent verses: “And what was in those ships, all three?”, “The virgin Mary and Christ were there”, and “O, they sailed to Bethlehem, On Christmas Day, on Christmas Day . . .”

I guess I’m missing something, because I don’t remember the biblical passage that describes Mary and the baby Jesus on a ship—a ship in a flotilla of three vessels—sailing into the land-locked town of Bethlehem on Christmas morning. Is this figurative or metaphorical language? Is the writer of this song using one of those “paraphrase” Bibles? Or are these just . . . stupid song lyrics?

2. From “Here Comes Santa Claus”: Santa knows that we’re God’s children, that makes everything right.

Talk about your blanket statements. That makes everything right? Everything? You know, there are a lot of terrible things going on out there in the world today—murder, kidnapping, terrorism, starvation, violence and tragedy of all kinds. But you’re telling me that as long as we all realize that Santa (a fictitious character) knows that we are all God’s children (or as Bing Crosby sings, “we’re God’s chillin’”), well, then, that makes everything right. You’re okay. I’m okay. The world is okay. It’s all good.

3. In Little Saint Nick, the Beach Boys continually harmonize, “Christmas comes this time each year.”

Except for that one year when it came in March.

4. “Everyone’s dancing merrily, in a new old fashioned way.” Rockin’ Around the Christmas Tree

Don’t let this one confuse you. When you are rocking around the tree, dance in a new old fashioned way, not in the old old fashioned way. Actually, if I recall correctly, not long after this song came out, the old fashioned way was updated to the new fashioned way. But over time the new fashioned way was redesignated as the old new fashioned way, because people started dancing merrily in a new new fashioned way. So, to recap, we have had the old old fashioned way, the new old fashioned way, the old new fashioned way, and finally the new new fashioned way. But inevitably the new new fashioned way will be renamed the old new new fashioned way, because the new new new fashioned way will come along. And so on. And so on.

5. The Little Drummer Boy states, “The ox and lamb kept time, pa rum pum pum pum.”

Really? A couple of animals were keeping time? Now how exactly did they do that? Were they tapping their feet on the ground? Clapping their hoofs together? Scratchin’ on a first century mix-master machine? Seems kind of unrealistic. Besides, in any band, the drummer is the one who keeps time, so why would the little drummer boy need someone (or something) to keep time for him in the first place?

6. And finally, I want you all to enjoy your Christmas to the utmost. Don’t hold back from having the most splendid holiday ever. Celebrate with gusto! In other words, I want you to Jingle ALL the way! Don’t jingle half the way. Don’t jingle a little bit and then give up. Don’t talk a good game and then stop jingling on December 15th. Don’t make excuses. Jingle ALL the way! You can do it!

Stupid Song Lyrics

Well, it’s the second Wednesday of the month, so, time for another installment of “Stupid Song Lyrics.”

Today’s entry comes from one of the paragons of the rock era, the one, the only, Sir Elton John. Elton, incidentally, is currently recovering from a case of the flu and E. coli, for which he was hospitalized. He had to cancel several concert dates. So, here’s wishing Elton a speedy recovery.

Today’s stupid lyrics come to us from one of his earliest hits, “Rocket Man”:

“Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it’s cold as hell. And there’s no one there to raise them, if you did.”

All right, let’s break this down into smaller chunks.

“Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids.” No duh. As far as I have been able to discern from my research, Mars has no ipods, i-tunes, i-phones, cell phones, blackberries, Facebook, X-Box, Playstation, Guitar Hero, Sour candy, SUVs, minivans, amusement parks, Quizno’s, Tropical Smoothies, swimming pools, laptops, Lil Wayne videos, flip-flops, ESPN, cable TV, or that annoying spray paint that is used to write cute messages on your car windows the day before the big football game. There’s just no way you could possibly raise a kid on Mars.

“In fact, it’s cold as hell.” Now, I have no quibble with the fact that it is cold on Mars. We all know that Mars is further away from the Sun than Earth, and Mars lacks a thick atmospheric layer that can help contain heat. The air temperature there apparently rarely gets over freezing, and at the poles it averages -200 F. But “cold as hell?” What does that mean? Not only in the Bible, but in the traditional, popular conception, hell is a place of fiery torment, indescribably hot. Now if he had said, “Mercury ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids. In fact, it’s hot as hell”—well, that would be different. The only possible explanation I can think of is, maybe he is getting at, like, when something is so cold that it is actually hot. Like on a winter day when you eat a snowball and it is so cold that it actually burns your tongue. Then maybe something could be “cold as hell,” so to speak. But I don’t really think that’s what he means.

“And there’s no one there to raise them, if you did.” If you did what? Take your kids to Mars? But if you did that, then you would be there too, so you could just raise them yourself. Unless, of course, he is trying to say that you would somehow send your kids off to Mars by themselves unaccompanied by any adult, which is absurd. I’m sorry, but unless there was some miraculous way to get your kids off to Mars absolutely by themselves, then there would have to be someone there to raise them . . . if you did.

These lyrics have perplexed me for at least twenty-five years. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever understand them. I might eventually, but believe me, I think it’s gonna be a long long time.

Stupid Song Lyrics: Salute to bad grammar and made-up words

On the second Wednesday of each month, the Quackenblog will feature a segment called “Stupid Song Lyrics.” I will begin today with some of my favorite instances of bad grammar and made-up words in popular music. And let me tell you, there is so much from which to choose (I almost said “there is so much to choose from,” but we all know that sentences should not end in prepositions). Anyway, enjoy.

1. Paul McCartney, “Live and Let Die.” Lyrics: “But if this ever-changing world in which we live in, makes you give in and cry . . . live and let die.”

From where did these lyrics come from?

2. From another classic rock song:
"You know that it would be untrue,
You know that I would be a liar,
If I was to say to you,
‘Girl we couldn’t get much higher,’
Come on baby, light my fire."

The “if” in the third line introduces the subjunctive tense, which, conjugated properly, is “if I were to say to you.” Hey, Jim Morrison, was you absent in English class that day?

3. “’Cause I speak of the pompitous of love.” From Steve Miller Band, “The Joker.”

One thing that I’ve learned in life is this. Some people speak of the pompitous of love. Others speak of the pompitous of hate. Still others speak of the pompitous of peace, healing, or even conflict. And the thing is, you can’t do anything about it. That’s just the world in which we live in.

4. The BoDeans, “Good Things” says:
"Oh no no, don’t pass me over,
Oh no no, don’t pass me by,
You see I can see, good things for you and I."

I always have to think about this one, but I believe it should be “good things for you and me,” not “for you and I.” In fact, me is certain of it.

5. From the Commodores funky 70s hit “Brick House”: “She’s the one, the only one, who’s built like an amakazon.”

I don’t know what an amakazon is, but I’m sure you could order one on amakazon.com.

6. Many of you may be unfamiliar with a country song from the 1960s by Roger Miller called “Dang Me.” It is a funny song, with the following line: “Now roses are red, and violets are purple. Sugar is sweet, and so is maple surple.”

I have always heard that nothing rhymes with purple, orange, or silver. But that didn’t stop Roger Miller. He has done the impossible. Let this be an inspiration to all of us.

7. Diana Ross, “Upside Down”: “Round and round you’re turning me, I say to thee, respectfully.”

Actually, there’s nothing grammatically wrong with this. I just like her unabashed use of the King James English. Gutsy move. Diana, from a long time Supremes fan, I say, thou possesseth moxie!

8. One word: Sussudio. As in, “There’s a girl that’s been on my mind, all the time, Sussudio.”

In 1985, Phil Collins gave us “Sussudio.” I don’t know what it means. I found conflicting explanations on the internet. One source says it was the name of Collins’ daughter’s pet horse. Another says it is the sound that a drowning person makes when splashing around frantically in deep water. Neither makes sense in the context of the song. I think “Sussudio” means something more like, “the final recording gets mixed next week and I haven’t finished my lyrics yet.”

I look forward to the November installment of “Stupid Song Lyrics,” when I will explore the nonsensical lyrics of one of the most famous singers of our day.