Another thing you may not have known about me

First of all, I’d like to say thank you to everyone who has been reading my blog so far. I appreciate all of the kind comments. I guess many of you found out some things about me that you didn’t know before. Also, this was the first time that I have ever sat down and written out the entire story, so in a sense I was reliving a lot of it, and it was very emotional for me.

So, I thought this might be a good time to share something else that you might not know about me. You see, several years ago, I was diagnosed with a condition known as SPS, or, Sarcastic Parent Syndrome. SPS affects over 10 million adults in the United States alone, and is quickly spreading to other areas of the world. Left untreated, it can actually cause complications to a victim’s loved ones. One such complication is RES, or Rolling Eye Syndrome. RES has been contracted mostly by spouses and children of those who suffer from SPS, and is also spreading rapidly. RES is characterized by an incessant rolling of the eyes whenever someone with SPS speaks.

But there is good news. Scientists and doctors are now identifying many of the signs associated with SPS. While there is no known cure, experts hope that awareness of the warning signs might be of help to those in high risk categories. Here are a few of the warning signs for SPS:

1. You can’t understand why you pay taxes to support your local school, yet you still have to send in a whole bunch of supplies, to include tissues. Also, why do you have to send in tennis balls so that there will be one under every leg of every chair in the elementary school?

2. You do not understand why your child has 23 parties a year in school, many of them to celebrate holidays and occasions that appear to be made-up.

3. You marvel that there is a whole bunch of “new” knowledge that wasn’t around when you were a kid. For instance, did you know that there is now a Southern Ocean? It’s down around Antarctica. I just found this out from my third grader (Matthew). When I was a kid, there were four oceans: Atlantic, Pacific, Indian, and Arctic. Apparently, this fifth ocean appeared while I was on vacation or something. Oh, and by the way, in case you were not aware, there are now four states of matter, not just three: solid, liquid, gas, and plasma. Although, my guess is that it will eventually go back to three as LCD and LED sets get more popular.

4. You wonder why there are so many syndromes and disorders that kids have these days that were not around when you were a kid. Don’t get me wrong. I am very happy that certain conditions are being identified and treatments developed. But, when you were a kid, the only syndrome was something called MAYGASS, or, “Misbehave-and-you’ll-get-a-spanking syndrome.” I struggled with that one for years.

5. You are mortified that you live in a world where children can actually be allergic to peanut butter, which, when you were growing up, was the one and only food group.

There is so much more to learn about SPS. Scientists are discovering more signs every day through experiments with laboratory mice. Only over time will we be able to grasp the full nature of SPS, and hopefully find a cure.

In the meantime, there is a desperate need for further awareness. As far as I know, there is as yet no national spokesperson for SPS. I am thinking of volunteering. That way you can send your generous donations directly to me. Trust me, I will use the money to make sure that all the little children of the world have tennis balls for their chairs. That way, SPS sufferers will have one less thing to be sarcastic about, and they’ll be able to sleep better at night. I just want to do my part.