News report: Super Bowl LXXXV (April 2, 2051)

** Sports section: Wednesday, March 29, 2051 **

This Sunday marks the 85th Super Bowl, pitting the AFC Champion Miami Dolphins against the EFC Champion Madrid Caballeros. The game will be played in the fourth brand new Cowboy’s Stadium in Arlington, Texas (USA), which holds just over 225,000 seats. As always, a sellout is expected, and it should be a gala event.

The Dolphins advanced to the Super Bowl (their eleventh appearance in team history) by defeating the CFC Champion Toronto Argonauts, 32-17 in a March 18th semi-final. The Caballeros are making their first trip to the Super Bowl, after edging the NFC Champion Los Angeles Seahawks 27-24 in the other semi-final. The Dolphins are seven point favorites.

Here are some of the top story lines as we head into Sunday’s epic gridiron clash.

This is the first time that the Super Bowl will be played in April, which has been lauded with acclaim by the League despite a few murmurs of protest that the season "is just getting to be too long." The big game is being pushed into April as a result of the new, expanded, 12-week play-off format, which was agreed to back in 2045 when the Canadian Football Conference (CFC) and European Union Football Conference (EFC) joined the NFL. League officials noted that similar concerns were raised when the Super Bowl was first played in February (in 2002), and in March (in 2034). “Quite frankly,” quipped NFL Commissioner LeBron Remington, “our goal is to some day see the Super Bowl played in July or even August, with only a short break in-between seasons. Let’s face it, NFL football is the most important thing in America on Sundays, so why not give people what they want each and every Sunday of the year?”

In a related story, there has been some mild criticism over the fact that the Super Bowl is being played on Easter Sunday. In an interview last week, Commissioner Remington defended the league’s decision, even extending an olive branch to concerned persons of faith. He said, “Perhaps this is an area where the NFL could work in tandem with the religious community. After all, when you get right down to it, what is the real meaning of Easter anyway? Isn’t it that everyone is happy and that children get candy? These are core values that the NFL shares with people of faith. Maybe for the time being we could just join forces, seeing as we are so closely aligned in terms of seeking the best in personkind. We could call the combined holiday ‘Super Bowl Sunday,’ and everybody could take Monday off!”

The game will be broadcast live worldwide on all sixteen of ESPN’s extended family of round-the-clock sports networks. In addition, the University of California at Berkeley will beam the game into outer space. This is part of a $680 million project funded by the 2050 BESP (Bi-annual Economic Stimulus Package). Dr. Philip Rogers, chair of the Aeronautics and Space Department at Berkeley, noted that while the project will create no jobs, and that it is almost certain that no extraterrestrial life will see the Super Bowl, the project will allow the university to apply for increased funding in the 2052 BESP.

As always, the anticipation surrounding the Super Bowl commercials is just as great as the anticipation for the game itself. Of note, for the first time in seven years, this Sunday there will be a Super Bowl commercial with no nudity. The ad is for Hardee’s new Thickburger, cheese fries, and malt liquor combo meals. Hardee’s Vice President Lebron Williamson tried to downplay any controversy, saying, “There may be no nudity, but the ad does contain three sexual innuendos, so we are not departing from the mainstream too much. There’s certainly no need for Hardee’s to get Tebowed for airing some supposed ‘ultra-conservative’ commercial, or anything like that.”

As usual, the Pro-Bowl (the NFL’s annual all-star game) was played last Sunday (March 25th), a week prior to the Super Bowl. Many in the media jokingly dubbed this as “Palm Super Bowl Sunday,” an obvious reference to the game being played on Palm Sunday, but also because of the latest tradition of fans tossing NFL throwback uniforms onto the field for the players to step on as they emerge from the locker rooms. What was unusual about this year’s contest was that two Super Bowl players played in the Pro Bowl game. (Note: Ever since the Pro Bowl was moved to the week before the Super Bowl way back in 2010, most selectees from Super Bowl teams sit the game out, not wanting to risk injury.) The two players who participated are Dolphins outside linebacker Lebron Lee-Harrison and Caballeros wide receiver Chaz QuatroCincoSeis. When asked if his Pro Bowl appearance would make him too tired to play in the Super Bowl, QuatroCincoSeis pulled out a Sharpie pen and began to write illegible chicken scratch all over the reporter’s shirt. Then he pulled out a fifty dollar bill, ripped it in half, threw it in the air, and left the room, unleashing a stream of expletives on his way.

And finally, this year’s halftime concert is certain to be a classic. For the first time in almost twenty years, ‘N Sync will perform live together with their original lead singer, Justin Timberlake. Timberlake, who turned seventy earlier this year, jokes that there will be no “wardrobe malfunctions” during the show—a reference to his then-controversial halftime performance with the late Janet Jackson in 2004 (when Timberlake was twenty-three!). Yes, I know it’s hard to believe, but there really was a time when that sort of thing was deemed controversial. Also, for obvious reasons, Timberlake vows to make no references to his rumored romantic relationship with his old friend, sixty-nine year old Britney Spears-Alexander-Federline-Johnson-James-O’Donnell-DiCaprio-Madonna-Beckham-Smith-QuatroCincoSeis.